Saturday, June 09, 2007

A Chasing After the Wind

there are times that i just feel kind of weepy, as most of us girls do. and not even connected to hormones...just sad days, or grumpy days, or feeling just kind of "blah" (as many of us say).

earlier this week, i woke up, and before i knew it, i was feeling irritated, unappreciated, and just down. it was about silly stuff on the surface; the eggs were cooked the wrong way... twice... according to my 3 year old. then, being frustrated about that and many things, i felt like the mom that was playing the "martyr" to try to get the appreciation that i was wanting, but hating that i was putting the guilt trip on my daughter for not appreciating me. i remember feeling that guilt, and pressure to affirm, and feeling it from my mom made me even less likely to give it. so i decided to get over it, and move on, but i just was overwhelmed by all that i had to do, and couldn't do at the same time. feeling like no matter what i would do, it wouldn't be good enough. that's an awful feeling, let me tell you, especially for someone who likes to be able to do it all, and do it well.

after a quick laughter through tears moment with my sister, some sushi, and bantering about how crappy the day was, i was much better, and the day went on without too much more drama. i got what i could done, and left the rest, and that was all i could do.

i know that somewhere in this life, i'll have a clean house, and folded laundry, and dishes put away, but if it's at the cost of the smiles of my little ones and the sweet looks of my ever reassuring husband, than it's worthless to me. that's my take on ecclesiastes 2:10-11.

"my heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. when i surveyed all that my hands had done and what i had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun."

i think i'd rather not chase, and just enjoy the breeze around me.


emily said...

well said, my friend. I, too, have been thinking on these sorts of things these days as I have found myself to be weepy and contemplative even in the midst of a great vacation. Not necessarily because of what IS these days, as I have a lot of help with the kids and such. More of the anticipation of what is to come when I return home...and how to reconcile my desires with my reality. Joan Gould says it well: "No matter how much she tries to do each day, she’s aware of scanting something else, something vital and timebound that won’t wait for her to catch up. Her children will be grown up and gone from home before she finds the clarity of soul she wants to devote to them."
love you, friend

speshulk79 said...

amen, girl! i needed to read that. love you--kel

carrie said...

I once saw a beautiful handmade quilt, on it were all of the post-it notes of things to do, chores to get done, children's needs. The woman who made it had a wonderful sense of humor, for around the outside she had quilted, "if you want to see me, drop in, if you want to see my house, make an appointment." It is hard to gain perspective, but a beautiful thing when we do in fleeting moments of clarity!