Recently, I've been going on dates with my daughter on Friday mornings. It didn't start as a "planned" event, as you might think. No, the Lord has actually been very kind to give us this time together, and it has all been His idea.
A few weeks ago, we were going to be going separate ways for the weekend, and so I thought a morning date would be a fun thing for us to do before school started. So, we woke up early, and grabbed her God's Little Princess Devotional Bible, and had a fun time of eating ChickFilA for breakfast and talking about the Lord together. After having such a sweet time that morning, I thought how much we needed that time together, and how it really could be a weekly thing. So, for the past few weeks, we have continued the tradition, and have been going through the women of the Bible. And, it has been such a blessing.
I have always felt that the relationship between a daughter and mother is one of the most complicated relationships there is. Not only is it a challenging one, it is most crucial to remain vigilant about the enemy's schemes to divide. My daughter is the sweetest of girls, however, even the sweetest of girls have the sinful nature that women tend to have.
I guess it really started about the time she turned two. It was as if I could all of a sudden see flesh patterns really beginning to come out. Since then, I have struggled with having my feelings hurt, feeling manipulated, or holding grudges because of being intentionally mistreated. I have felt rejected and controlled, and unable to understand why she would have such strife with me. Of course, Daddy is her hero, and can do no wrong, and she could snuggle with all day, but the second I try to hug her, she's off. I have seen first hand her manipulation, control, and defiance.
I remember when she was only 3, having a dispute with her about something, and then her stomping down the hall as loud as she could and slamming the door behind her. As much as I wanted to storm in after her, yelling that she "WOULD NOT EVER DO THAT AGAIN!", I quickly felt the Holy Spirit, grab the back of my shirt to hold me back, and then very gently say,
"Don't do this. Don't start this. Don't allow this type of fighting even have a foothold in your relationship."
It was as if, I saw her at 16, and me at 40something and screaming at the tops of our lungs at each other and having wounds that ran too deep to know how to have healing. And I knew, I did not want to start it.
I am the only one to teach my daughter what a woman of God looks like. I am the one that will really be her teacher. Sure, she'll have lots of role models, and mentors, but her real live, first hand, in person example, is...big ol' me. And boy, do I feel small.
I have known for a while that I would have to be relentlessly pursuitful of my sweet girl. Otherwise, it won't just happen in our crazy life. I will have to choose to pursue her. Even when she is rude. Even when she doesn't treat me well. Even in the face of rejection and disdain. I will have to be the one to be the leader in loving her with Christ's love. To not allow the enemy use my insecurities and fears to play out against each other.
More than anything I want to show her how much the Lord loves her. How to trust in Him when all else fails. Because all else will fail. And how much I long for her to fully believe Him. Because only in Him is truth found. But first, I need to know how much He loves me. I need to believe Him. I need to trust Him. Only then, will I have the strength to know how to listen and how to talk. How to train and how to love. How to be a mom to this precious gift of a girl.