Baby, I'm Afraid You're A Lot Like Me

Four years ago, this evening, I sat with a tiny baby girl in my arms. I hadn't known it would be her, and I wasn't sure how to be a mommy. All I had known was that a baby was coming, and it would be mine to love.

After 24 hours of labor, I had a beautiful girl placed in my arms, and I had never seen such beauty. She looked up at me with such wide eyes and a silky dark hair, and I remember my first thought was that she resembled one of my baby pictures. There was a familiarity in her eyes, that I saw. After months of wondering what this unknown baby would look like, here she was in front of me, and all I could think, was that she reminded me of me.

Since that moment of first laying eyes on my daughter, I have grown to love her in so many ways. I love how she embraces life with passion and excitement. I love how she is zany and silly. I love the compassion she has for others, and the willingness to stick to something, even when it's so hard it makes her cry.

Even though I don't hold her on my chest the way I did that evening four years ago, I still sometimes lie close beside her, and look over her face, and wonder. I wonder how I will bless her, and how I will fail her. How I will show her love, how I will not. How will I be her mother, and but also her friend? How will I teach her to be a woman after the Lord's heart, and yet have the confidence to walk through her deepest doubts asking Him to show her the way? How can I teach her to be a woman of truth and courage, with strength and passion? How will I show her how to embrace joy and sorrow, and to love relentlessly? I do not know the answers to these questions. I only know that no matter what I do, or don't do, the Lord has chosen her to be my little girl, and me to be her mommy. And because of that I know that He will show me how.

I still see so much of myself in River. Sometimes because of that it makes it hard for me to be as gracious and patient with her. But I desperately want to. So much of the time, when I pray for her, I pray for myself. And vice versa. Because the same strengths I have, she has. And the same weaknesses I have, she has. It brings me joy, and it scares me to death. But I know that the Lord is big enough to love her through it all, just as He has me. I love the words of this Sara Groves song, because it's exactly how I feel when I think about River.

Baby, I'm afraid you're a lot like me.
You can't help feeling everything.
I can see you trying to hold it in.
I see your eyes, and your trembling chin.

And for you, and myself, I will pray.
That our weakness becomes our strength.

Baby there some holes you just can't fill.
You try and you try, but you never will.
Baby, I believe a God who can.
He loves the boy, and He'll love the man.

And for you and myself, I will pray.
That our weakness becomes our strength.

She brings me so much joy. I love her more than I ever knew I could. Happy Birthday, baby girl.