A New Phase

If you can't tell, I go through phases. Phases of blogging, phases of clothes, phases of baking, phases of designing and redesigning...phases. And in my phases, usually I don't like doing much out of that phase. If I'm organizing, I'm organizing for hours. If I'm designing or making things, I'm not making dinner that night, I'm usually just making whatever it is that is making my house a wreck, but by golly, I'll finish it. Even if it takes till 3 AM.

When I was dating, I was not like some people who dated for months and years. I might date someone for about 2 weeks, and then that'd be it. They'd start getting on my nerves, or being boring, whatever. I don't think I even make it longer than a month until I was in college, and then my record breaking relationship was 4 months. That is, until I was smitten with the love of my life. I actually was very surprised when after a few months, still wasn't tired of him! He still keeps me guessing, and still gives me butterflies in my stomach.

But when it comes to friends, I have no phase. I love my friends. Probably too much sometimes. I love being with them. I love hearing about parts of their days or weeks that I've missed out on. I love blessing them with little messages or surprising them with treats. I cry when they cry. And I absolutely hate not being able to be there for them.

My friends are the most wonderful people in the world. Have I mentioned that my friends will do anything for me? Even volunteer to be criminals and murderers? Not just anyone will do that.

I think that as long as I can remember, one of my greatest fears has been that I will not be chosen. Not chosen to be included. Not chosen to be a part of something. Not chosen. The Lord has given me such affirmation through them time and time again, that even though every now and then I can still feel the hint of insecurity, it is so overwhelmingly ridiculous because of the gift of friendship that I have been given through so many people. And knowing that I've been chosen by Christ - not only just accepted, but chosen. That means that He really wanted me, and even though He saw all of me, He still chose me.

All that said, it's very easy for me to choose my friends, but sometimes hard for me to choose Christ. Not in the big "choosing Christ as my life" way, but just in every day things. You know, to stop my life long enough to be quiet with Him. Because choosing Him, means looking at Him...in me. Allowing myself to become more fully acquainted with Him - in me. Why is that so scary? I know me, I know all about me. I love me. Did you see how many times I just said me? Why would looking in be so hard?

So, I'm praying for time with Jesus, alone, and not necessarily not with friends, but I sure do love looking at them, and not so much me. Christ in me, the hope of glory. That's good news! Not something scary. I know that He will shed light into the dark, and bring truth where needed, as I begin to become more of a friend, to Christ in me.