Thursday, March 11, 2010

Always Watching

She twirled and her beautiful pink skirt made a floating cloud-like circle around her. She ran. She leaped. She giggled. She looked toward him, and giggled. Then she twirled again...and again...and again. She desperately wanted him to watch, though she never would have admitted it.

How could a little boy of six years be interested in twirling skirts or pretty girls? He would have rather wrestled her or gone and climbed a tree in the yard. Still he watched, but only for a second. He would glance her way, but then quickly look away. He would watch the cars speeding past, but then he would look back again, just to watch for a second...but hopefully without her knowing. I enjoyed how remiss he was trying to be, however, as I could tell he really just wanted to watch her twirl. It was as if he was entranced by how happy she was just to twirl, and run, and leap, and giggle.

It was cute as I stood there, an unexpected spy, as these two played their game. It reminded me of how often I try to spin in circles for the attention of others. How much I try to gain the focus of my husband, or my friends, or my family, or even my kids. I will spin and spin, with the most beautiful of tactics and strategies, to make sure that I'm the most loved and accepted by everyone...all the time. And yet, it grows so tiring. And even more convicting, I've seen how it's not really what God has asked me to do. I could actually rename my "efforts to please" as "worry", "selfishness", "anxiety", "busyness", "striving"....even, are you ready..."sin".

God doesn't want my focus to be on gaining the attention or love of others. He simply wants me to be, and to let Him live through me. To allow Him to love me, and then allow His love to flow out to others.

I remember being so thankful when I learned (and am still having to learn) how accepted and lovely I always am to God. That He is always waiting to watch me twirl. That he loves to just sit and wait for me to spin or sit...giggle or cry. He is always watching, and I never have to convince Him to pay attention to me. He already is.

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