Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Holding Back


I felt myself start to cry today.   It was at a bad time, and it wouldn't have made sense at all to anyone around me, and so I didn't let myself think about the sad thing, and just distracted myself to what I "had" to do.   It was just a bad time to fall apart.  

But that's the thing, there's never a good time to fall apart.   There's never a good time to feel sad about something.   It's never fun.   It's never a good feeling.    And usually, in my life, I don't welcome it, even when I feel it coming.    And then, the moment has passed, and you've "made it through" without crying.  Like it's a victory or something.   

But what makes me sad, is that my soul doesn't need another victory of stoicism and strength.  I need to be weak, so He can be strong.   I need to be broken so that He can mend.   And I need to be down in the ashes so that He can make me, all of me, beautifully whole.    It's been my nature for so long now to conquer those emotions, that it's a whole new lesson.  And it's hard to learn.  
When I used to play piano, I would learn the song mainly by ear, because I was really bad at sight-reading.   It was so much easier to hear my teacher play it, and then to duplicate that.   However, almost always, I would teach myself a mistake, and because I wasn't reading from the notes, I wouldn't catch it.   And usually, it would be hard for the teacher to catch it because it would sound almost perfect.   But, it wasn't.    It was wrong.  And I had learned it the wrong way.   It would take twice as long to go back and re-teach myself, and my hand to go the right way; to play it the right way.   And I would have to read the music, to make sure it was right.  Because every time, my finger would reach for that one note that I had learned the first way.

So I'm trying to relearn how I feel things.   And how I think about emotions.  To know that it's not weak to cry.  Or wrong to let them show.   Even typing that sounds so sissy.     But I know that the Lord will continue to give me grace, and will continue working to bring this good work to completion.    

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."    Psalm 51:17

4 comments:

Caroline said...

I'm so with you, I don't let myself cry if I'm not in a safe place. Its weird, but I cry easier, but a lot less since I've had Wesley. God is good, all the time. He'll always be strong for you!

Sissy said...

I am a sissy (it says so right in the name). I cry all the time...at the most inappropriate times. I heard somewhere that "God counts a woman's tears" and that made me feel better about how many tissues I go through. Anyway, I am sure there is a healthy balance, but I haven't found it yet. Kudos to you for allowing God to work on it.

She's So There.... said...

That wanting to be in control...of deciding when and where we're "real" is so hard isnt' it...to learn to be vulnerable, to give up control of appearing together...its a hard walk isn't it...Your writing is a gift, thank you for sharing.

Sara said...

Melissa, you are such an awesome blogger. I appreciate your honesty!~Sara Davis